There is nothing under my skin
but fragile bones and fleeting dreams —
a sad excuse for a human
I don’t want you to look at me long enough to see through me
I’m made of mistakes, missed opportunities, and regret
Regret for leaving people to be who I am now
I could hear them saying,
“Was it all worth it?”

I don’t know.

But I’m afraid to wake up in forty years and look in the mirror
only to hate the person living inside this skeleton
The person with ruptured bones and perished dreams—
a sad excuse for a human
I would turn away;
I could not look at myself long enough
Because I would know with the emptiness of the four corners I call home,
It wasn’t

Noise.
Noise.
Noise.

Lately, there has been nothing but noise
In the train, I could hear everything from miles away
I studied the people around me
but no one else was aware of the chaos
It sounded like giants in a riot
They were burning the houses down,
destroying the peace in all the places they could find
I got off my stop and the noise grew louder
The city was slowly roaring back to life
And now,
I couldn’t even hear myself think

I found solace in a room when I was alone
and a bit too early for class
But I could still hear it in the halls, in the classrooms, and even in the other buildings twelve hundred feet away
I didn’t know sound could be so suffocating
I could feel static crawling under my skin,
weighing me down until I could no longer move;
My mind is the only thing functioning according to free will
I wanted to make this stop
Has it always been like this?
...

I want to know what it’s like to be in the middle of the ocean
without even feeling so small
To know pain and regret,
but still live without fear
I want to know what it’s like to be split open,
for the sake of creating something beautiful
To run and run and feel alive
but not afraid to stumble
I want to know what it’s like to have something to hold on to
that time couldn’t even change
To know something greater than love,
To feel more than my heart can hold
I want to be more of who I am
but at the same time,
what’s not within arm’s reach,
makes me feel so weak
But I want to be transparent,
and see the world as a person who has lived
So I write and write and write
because I know, it’s the only way

You drank your coffee
and kissed me immediately
that I almost felt
the burn on my tongue
But now I could only remember
how bitter you taste
and how I seem to have gone cold
that you didn’t want me anymore
And yet it’s still you I need in the morning —
pressed on my lips
Because you have always been the reason
why I got through the rest of the day

We are intangible creatures
Always fleeting but never leaving
We roam around the world
ready to make our mark
but we concede to the shadows
and wither
until we’re nothing
but stories around dusk
And still, we try —
Try to discover
what life has to offer
We live and we live
and forget
We’re anything but alive

All the rain pouring down
never even touched the ground
but it washed away
all traces of yesterday
It took a while
and everything I had in me
to understand, to accept,
that the sun isn’t going to rise
the same way again
And I could look for you for centuries
but all that I would be left with
is a dark cold night

It was cold, but I let you undress me in your room
until we were both nothing but flesh and bone
We could only see each other
with the faint light peaking through your window
Our conversations turned into staggered breaths,
while you traced every inch of me -
not missing a beat even in the darkness
I did the same,
hoping to discover what your skin covers
We collided and turned into an endless number of stars
that even the entire galaxy couldn’t surpass

I don’t want to disappear
when I used to be at the corner of your mouth
and my body was at the end of each of your fingertips
and you were at mine

I don’t want to be at the crevice of your memories
where I would soon cease to exist
I want to be memorized by heart
that you could even read me in the dark

I want to be in the photographs you post on your bedroom wall
the ones you say goodnight to before you turn off the lights
I want years to pass by without seeing each other
that you get sick of gravity

I don’t want to be tucked away
and only be remembered when someone asks about me
I want to be in the corner of your thoughts, always lingering
that you would jump at any chance to say my name

I don’t want to be the girl that you thought was special because you were young
and we were both stupid enough to think the world was ours
I want to be the first person
that wasn’t a mistake to love

You were like the blank pages
of all the stories I have left to write
But I’m afraid that all stories end
and I don’t want us to
I would always find parts of you
at three in the morning, lost at sea
I don’t care if I drown; I’d pick them up
Just in case you realize home is with me

I know you’re out there, shooting for the stars
and I’m here, where you left me, like a gold that lost its luster
Still, I wait, because we are

The disappointment I’ve tasted on him
That uncovered beneath his mask of a face
Was the one I couldn’t forget the most

Not the way he called after me
With tears that reflected rain on a Sunday morning
Nor the way he kissed all my wounds
Just for me to be whole again

I don’t know why he wanted so much
For me to run right back
After all the lies I’ve told
Just to destroy what was left of us

I have made him fall for wretchedness
He knows better than anyone,
How much I know the feeling
of finding love in the saddest places

For a thousandth time I have confessed
That I’m no better than my past
He was so perfect
While I burn and turn to ash